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Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
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12:45 pm - time melts away
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Is it really already Wednesday? This work week has been killing me. I love working non-profit because I see the library making a difference in the community but sometimes it makes my head spin just trying to figure out how what we end up doing from time to time has anything to do with libraries. I'd divulge more but it's probably no big deal and I should just leave it be. Sigh. Hump Day is overrated. I'm neither getting humped nor doing any humping, so what's so great about it?
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| Thursday, June 19th, 2008
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6:44 pm - that's racist
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this never ceases to amaze/amuse me
i fuckin love this kid
current mood:  amused
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2008
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2:41 pm - shy
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i've got a confession to make.
but i don't want to.
current mood:  curious
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| Monday, June 9th, 2008
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3:30 pm - less than zero
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i finished reading bret easton ellis' first published novel last night. all-in-all it had a slow build up but the descriptiveness with which he painted the images that stuck to my mind was really quite nice. some interactions and personalities could have easily inspired gregg araki's film "nowhere" and while there were a ton of characters in less than zero they all held my interest for one reason or another. if anything it was an inspiration for me to start writing a short work of fiction all my own.
some lines that really stood out to me:
people are afraid to merge.
disappear here.
wonder if he's for sale?
and this exchange:
Where are we going? I asked him.
"I don't know," he said. "Just driving".
"But this road does not go anywhere," I told him.
"That doesn't matter."
"What does?" I asked, after a little while.
"Just that we're on it, dude," he said.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: "malibu" by hole [celebrity skin]
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| Thursday, June 5th, 2008
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1:33 pm
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this shit is
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| Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
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5:18 pm - Fuck today.
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I originally got on her to ask for people to keep my friend Jon in their thoughts and/or prayers because he had a seizure and fell and busted his head open. He's in some hospital in St. Louis and so far between Steven and me, we can't figure out which one. But if we do, I may be driving down there tonight. So any positive vibes are very much appreciated.
"Fuck today" relates to some other news I found out today, but I don't particularly feel comfortable sharing it just yet. But it's unrelated to Jon and his head injury. So be positive and maybe it will rub off on me.
Thanks.
♥
ckb
current mood:  concerned
current music: "exit music [for a film]" radiohead
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| Thursday, May 15th, 2008
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6:23 pm - problem solved
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I have been in a kind of funk for a while, but I've figured out how to counteract it.
I just need a fennec fox to call my very own.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: "Oregon" by Brittany Kusserow
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
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6:49 pm - Only in Indiana...
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“I’ve seen people I thought had passed on to glory, and young folks that sit around and usually don’t care,” -an election judge in Hammond,IN, earlier today...
I voted. I always vote. I just hope that this election amounts to something.
Today I took some new signs I made over to Carnegie Library and put them up around the building. I first worked at Carnegie when the Library hired me, and then when it closed for extensive remodeling I was transfered to Kennedy. The downtown location has always been associated with happy memories for me, even after I saw how the remodeled building had a much more modern and almost empty feel to it. I was talking to Rebeca at the computer lab desk about how someone mentioned we don't need the "No Weapons" sign on the front doors and how it didn't make sense to me to take the sign down.
She told me a story about a woman that had both her hands bandaged up in thick gauge when she was helping her at the reference desk upstairs a few days ago. She asked the woman what had happened to her hands and she replied flatly that her husband was mad at her so he cut all her fingers off. "So yeah," Rebeca said, "We need the sign that says 'No Weapons' to stay up on the door."
I was speechless. There was another bank robbed Friday night or Saturday morning, I can't remember. And there've been a lot of other freak-occurrences lately that have been so frequently that I'd almost have to stop referring to them as "freak" in the first place. I'm not loving the idea of being the little boy that cried apocalypse nowish, but I'm definitely feeling like something has to happen. There's going to be a catalyst for improvement, or it's already here and no one is heeding the pangs.
In a way, I'm just spooked.
But I have hope, and that's something.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: "Lights Out" by Mindless Self Indulgence [if]
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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4:44 am - 4:44
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Look out, here comes tomorrow,
Thats when I'll have to choose.
How I wish I could borrow,
Someone else's shoes.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: the monkees
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| Friday, April 25th, 2008
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3:09 pm - oh buffy <3
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i sacrificed angel to save the world.
i loved him so much, but i knew... i was right.
i don't have that anymore.
i don't understand.
i don't know how to live in this world...
if these are the choices...
if everything just gets stripped away.
i don't see the point
of course, i don't plan on jumping from any tall towers into a big throbbing center of mystical energy anytime soon.
but this does kind of sum up how i've been feeling. and i know summer's just around the corner. and i know that this will all be behind me. and i know i'll feel an indescribably immense amount of relief as soon as i turn in this massive monster of a binder for art ed... speaking of which, i'm about 67% done with it and it's due at noon on monday.
current mood: busy
current music: "close your eyes" by christophe beck
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| Friday, April 18th, 2008
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8:32 am - Hey, Jubes... Use Your Big Gun
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I'm having some financial bullshit this fiscal year.
Last night I got a call from Wishbone saying that they overcharged me for the $2 worth of incense I'd purchased while downtown coming back from taking sign measurements at Carnegie. So I was like, "Okay..." and he told me that they'd punched in the last four numbers of my card in the "total" box instead of the debit key... so I paid close to $50 for 20 sticks of incense. !!
He said I can stop in any time and he will credit the card or give me cash, but it still freaked me out. He even offered to pay for any checks that bounce. Well, I go online this morning to make sure nothing bounced, and I see that the credit card payment I made last Saturday was reversed [and I don't know why] and I was charged $39 for the returned payment and two finance charges totalling $48.91 as well. These combined made my card go over the limit and I got charged another $39 for the overlimit fee.
FUCK THIS.
I hate credit cards. Hate. The only reason I got this one was for emergencies in Italy. Then I never had to use it. Then I bought my macbook and iPod with it over Labor Day weekend and because of one thing or another the fucking bill has never gone down. I'll be paying for this shit for the next five years! And will have burned enough money to have bought four macbooks! I should've got a student loan out to buy it instead, but I was only told the week before I went to buy it that it was very important for all teaching majors to have one. So now I think I might puke.
And Prater supposedly asked Casey if my studio project in progress that was in the room belonged to her. She said it was mine and that it didn't work out as I had planned so I had left it on the shelf. He then told Casey that my exemplar studio project didn't work because I didn't use thicker wire, which I was supposed to do, and because I didn't make a sound structure, which I had said I would do. So basically, I feel like he got snarky about my project and to another student in the class. And that just makes me not want to go talk to him today about my progress. I will give Prater credit for one thing: his attitude toward us definitely pushes me to work harder. Last night I bled my fingers twisting a thicker gauge wire into a two foot tall giraffe structure that stands on its own and can have fabric wrapped over it. Problem is now my hands are crying and I may have broken my tiny little wire cutters. And it took a hours instead of the proposed 40 minutes.
This weekend is going to kick my ass royally. I have to finish the giraffe, which involves adding the wire head and then covering the whole guy in fabric and then painting said fabric. The other studio projects--watercolor drawings of both their costume designs and Japanese street fashion self-portraits--should be a breeze compared to that, but they will still take time. Also I have to print out 20 transparencies of visuals from the unit and add another 30-or-so visuals to my binder on regular paper--and each visual must have the attributes typed and listed on the back of it. I have to revise my first paper [add two sections] and completely rework my second paper [cut down on quotes and paraphrases] and then write a mini-paper for my third topic. After that I've got to fix the errors with my lesson plans and make a Power Point presentation to accompany the whole thing.
But at least I have a good reason to not go see Prater about my progress. I can tell him when I see him Monday that I couldn't come in Friday because I got raped by capitalism.
<b><i>EDIT:</b> Also, because I have a feeling I will want to remember this later, I just want to point out how terrified I was when I woke up only a couple hours after finally falling asleep. I tend to struggled to fall asleep--more so in the last few months than ever before--and I had a very vivid dream of going to Ryan's apartment, but getting stopped by a group of people on the stairs that invited me in. I don't know why, but I went to their apartment and we sat around and talked and this guy kept asking me all these questions about where things come from--like, big abstract ideas and stuff--and then for some reason I asked if we could hang out some other time, too... the conversation just kept drawing me in. Suddenly, these people started aging rapidly and developing huge red marks on their faces and arms out of nowhere... rash-y, birthmark-y things. Everyone was in a varied stage of decomposition and I jumped up to run from the apartment. I knew that if I could go find my friends, that we would be okay. I opened the apartment door and was blinded by a bright flash. I opened my eyes in response. My floor was rocking and metal picture frames were clanking against the walls. It felt like when the washing machine goes into the spin cycle and shakes the whole upstairs of the house, only not as gentle and with less rhythm. I looked at my clock: 6:10 a.m. but it's thirty minutes fast.
The state of Indiana had a 5.3 earthquake at approximately 5:40 this morning.</i>
current mood:  hungry
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| Thursday, April 17th, 2008
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8:14 am - I'm so tired of being here.
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Buffy: ...Being the Slayer made me different. But, it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me. And I just slip away. [scoffs] You should know.
Spike: I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting.
Buffy: Oh, please. We were never close. You just wanted me because I was... unattainable.
Spike: You think that's all that was?
Buffy: Please, let's not go over the past.
Spike: Oh, no, no! Oh, let's hold on here! I've hummed along to your pity ditty and I think I should have the mic for a bit.
Buffy: Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up.
Spike: You're insufferable.
Buffy: Thank you. That really helped.
Spike: I'm not tryin' to cheer you up.
Buffy: What are you trying to say?
Spike: I don't know! I'll know when I'm done sayin' it. Something pissed me off, and I just - "Unattainable," that's it.
Buffy: Fine. I'm attainable. I'm a - I'm an attain-a-thon. May I please just go to sleep?
Spike: You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you. And dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine. And done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years. And there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you. Or because I can't have you. It has nothin' to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness, and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the One, Buffy.
Buffy: I don't wanna be the One.
Two weeks of school left and I haven't stopped to take a breath in at least two weeks. Thursday nights used to be my down time. My friends and I could all converge upon the Chug or Mo's Tavern or wherever we wanted and just forget the world, forget about the responsibilities of that day or the next or the weeks to come. The last one was over a month ago. And if ever I could use a drink, these last few weeks would have been prime time.
I've made a lot of excuses, and I always have my reasons, but for the last several weeks I have been running almost entirely on autopilot. I slept about four hours last night--if you can call that sleeping--and I probably won't get much more tonight. The combination of Art Ed and Ed Psy has rendered me in a permanent state of stressed the fuck out. Sometimes I forget to eat if it doesn't fit into my routine, so I've started making plans to eat with people at lunch and dinner to make sure I do.
I don't go to movies. I barely see my roommates. I'm either holed up in my room, the library, or AJ trying to get it done. Or I'm at work. My boss has mentioned that she's noticed how inattentive I am, but it's so hard to stay awake when it's quiet and warm and safe and I'm in a comfy chair. After the epic battle with Teachers College last week fighting for them to even admit me into the damn program--which I thought happened months ago, but apparently never went through until I raised hell--I feel like anywhere else is a place of sanctuary.
If I have one more mini-breakdown I think I'm gonna start skipping classes to catch up on sleep. Prater's already threatened to fail anyone that ends up so sick that they are hospitalized, which has sent one girl in our class into a nervous breakdown because she's prone to panic attacks--the kind where she can't breathe at all. I'm wondering if I'm prone to anything similar, because at night I get so stressed about everything that's due that I can't get to sleep, even when it's finally time to pass out.
I hardly ever answer my phone. I can't focus on what has to be done if I'm multi-tasking, which is a real mindfuck because I am always good at multi-tasking. But it doesn't work when I'm writing and rewriting papers and reading and researching and creating art projects that must be able to be completed by 5th and 6th graders. So I cut myself off. I've been keeping myself from damn near any distractions possible, no matter how unreasonably that may have been.
And I've hurt people in the process.
current mood: exhausted
current music: "My Immortal" by Evanescence
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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11:24 am - bleh.
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Fuck this noise.
current mood: drained
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| Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
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12:09 am - in response to tuesday...
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| Friday, November 30th, 2007
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3:28 am - quote of the night...
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...and believe me, a lot of funny shit was said tonight, but krista takes the prize... if only i knew i was quoting her correctly:
"Fuck two point five kids and a white picket fence. The American Dream is Hinder's 'Lips of an Angel.' With all men."
damn, with julie and krista visiting and kristan, jason and jackie coming out, plus ryan, kenny, michael, and everyone else... tonight almost felt like last year.
current mood:  drunk
current music: "problems" by arrah and the ferns
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| Friday, November 23rd, 2007
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8:21 pm - Studi-udi-udi-o.
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This is probably the least motivated I've been in years.
Artist's block sucks. I've got all these bizarre concepts in my mind--winged fish hatching out of eggs, for example--but I'm having the most difficulty putting thought to paper. I started my senior drawing project in January of 2007... but then I scrapped my first two pieces and started fresh with a new narrative around March. From the start of May until mid-August, I didn't return to it because of the Italy trip and projects that came along with it. Since August I've been steadily adding new pieces, none of which are complete at this time. I hate to admit that I've put a lot more time into starting my second major, Art Education. My senior show series now contains five works with at least one more idea waiting to burst out, possibly two. I really need to have it all finished next week. When it's all said and done, I will have been working on this series for an entire year, and I really don't think it shows. I haven't been working on it consistently and because of that, I hardly see any consistency from one drawing to the next.
I feel like 2007 has been my Lost Year. I'm slowly finding my way, taking things one step at a time [thanks, Tara] but I can only hope that I haven't fallen too far behind. I know there's something just beyond this. Any form of completion terrifies me, quite honestly, but that doesn't mean I should keep sabotaging myself the way I do. It's that whole 'not knowing the next step' thing that keeps me from finishing something. If I just stay with what's familiar, at least I know what to expect--but that's so rarely the case anyway, so why do I keep thinking that's how it's going to be? It's the definition of insanity, B: Doing the same thing and expecting different results. I'm snapping out of it. Now.
When Anger Shows
It creeps all over you like a dull ache
Think of all the things your hands could make
It pulls you to the ground like soaking wet gloves
The change in your face when anger shows
In that moment you realise
That something you thought would always be there will die
Like everything else
These thoughts I must not think of
Dreams I cant make sense of
I need you to tell me its ok
These thoughts I must not think of
Dreams I cant make sense of
I need you to tell me its ok
You are a sleeping lion in your bed
I will not wake you
You're the moment
Love has passed
We all must learn to hate you
You're a memory from before
Please don't let me forget you
You're the wolves at my door
In that moment you realise
That something you thought would always be there will die
Like everything else
These thoughts I must not think of
Dreams I cant make sense of
I need you to tell me its ok
These thoughts I must not think of
Dreams I cant make sense of
I need you to tell me its ok
How can you know what things are worth
If your hands wont move to do a days work?
How can you know what things are worth
If your hands wont move to do a days work?
How can you know what things are worth
If your hands wont move to do a days work?
How can you know what things are worth
If your hands wont move to do a days work?
How can you know what things are worth
If your hands wont move to do a days work?
How can you know what things are worth
If your hands wont move to do a days work?
How can you know...
These thoughts I must not think of
Dreams I cant make sense of
I need you to tell me its ok
These thoughts I must not think of
Dreams I cant make sense of
I need you to tell me its ok
current mood:  overwhelmed
current music: "When Anger Shows" by the Editors
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6:10 pm - repetition as a coping mechanism
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I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio. I do not want to spend the rest of my weekend in the studio.
...but I guess I kinda have to.
Unless the art building is closed, in which case... I'll be kinda screwed. And then I will end up having to work from my room. And there will be a new livejournal post about not wanting to do that.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: "Skeleton Key" by Margot
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| Monday, November 19th, 2007
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1:13 pm - Honestly...
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Why didn't anybody tell me Tom Lenk was in Transformers!? I woulda watched this shit WEEKS ago!!
current mood:  excited
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| Monday, November 12th, 2007
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12:50 pm - I miss when life wasn't this complicated...
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...when I didn't have to keep tabs on people via facebook and myspace. I miss the way things used to fall into place so much better than they do now, how things didn't used to seem so fragmented. I miss harmless crushes that didn't result in complex situations with no clear answers, when I didn't constantly have to ask myself what I want out of life. I miss only having to put my focus on studio classes, because now it's a constant stuggle between studio and art ed and everything else, plus my job. I would love to be making enough money to support myself, because I'm barely breaking even as it is. I miss not feeling like an asshole when I had to ask my parents to loan me some money.
I used to know what I wanted on a semi-regular basis. Now I don't have the time to stop to think about what that is, I just rush from one thing to the next hoping I'm still on the right path. Between writing a paper here, creating a website there, and putting blood, sweat, and tears into my senior show with every bit of free time I can muster, I'm burning the wick from both ends and the middle, too. I keep hitting these breaking points--I've been hitting brick walls, too--resulting in me taking huge chunks of time out of my productive schedule to take mental health breaks. I watch a movie or eat lasagna, go out for ice cream or sleep half the day away, just so that I can get through the rest of the week. It's a little insane, really.
I've got a paper due Thursday, 18 volunteer hours at a community center to complete in the next couple weeks, three art shows to pull together in three weeks, work to finish for said art shows, a teaching website to finish, finals looming, the big learning center project for art ed, the Praxis teaching exam in december, a teaching presentation, teaching observations, and anything in between. A big heaping plate, my friends. That's what I've got in front of me. That's what I'm trying to carry.
I can't wait for December 13th. It's the day of my last final and the reception of my art show. And that night I'm gonna get tanked.
current mood: busy
current music: "Closer" by Lacuna Coil
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| Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
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4:27 pm - zombie survival journal no. 9a:
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Just a little something extra... I saw that Amanda Palmer posted this today and it pretty much sums up exactly how I feel on campus. Enjoy!
Happy Halloween!
current mood: amused
current music: a
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crazykidben's journal